IDEKWTF

I spend a lot of my day wondering exactly what orientation I am, sexually. Because I appreciate women, and I appreciate men, and I have no problem with either but... there are times when romance just seems like too much fucking work to bother.

It's not that I'm not sexual because I am. I have needs and desires but I don't think they're the same as everyone else. I don't masturbate because I enjoy it. I do it because it fills a need that my body has. I don't even do it frequently. By my estimation I only do it when I'm ovulating and my hormones are running high. I don't even think of anyone or anything in particular. It's like the act doesn't reach my mind because in my mind I could be thinking about what I'll do for my next homework assignment or wondering where I left my glasses because I'm always fucking leaving them in weird places but it never matters what I'm thinking about because my body always reacts the same.

It's not just when I'm by myself, though. When I do have sex with someone else I can think about just about anything without it bothering me. Sometimes I just run through my mental cheque book or start thinking about what I should write next. I do focus on my actions, yeah. I pay enough attention to notice when something is liked or not and to make sure my partner enjoys themselves but... I don't enjoy it mentally.

Physically, sure, I guess. A body is a body and you touch a body and it'll do something but I never find it enough for my mind. Aside from the fact that the act is disturbing in a way. Grunts and sweat, wet slapping sounds, the occasional mouth-plunger noise.... I just don't like it. Which is weird beyond belief because I like kissing and I like cuddling and touching and I enjoy that a lot but I would be content to never go further. In fact I think I'd be happy if I found someone who was content to not have intercourse. I mean, I like making people I care for feel good and I like discovering what noises they can make or where they like to be touched but for me I just like the intimacy of being able to touch them without hinderance.

I could care less about getting off, really, I just enjoy being close to someone and I don't need to have sex to be intimate with someone.

I think that's kind of why I have a tendency to date women instead of men even though I do find men more appealing. It's because I can have sex with a woman, be close to her, touch her, and intimately know her without having to involve my own genitals. I like touching and loving and caring and I'll let someone do so to me if it fills a need for them; if it makes them happy.

Sometime I think I'm gay. I know pretty much everybody who only sort of knows me thinks I am gay. Like my sister is convinced I am and maybe she's right. Sometimes I think I'm straight but there's no one who agrees with me. Possibly because I flirt with women. Sometimes I think I'm bisexual. And I know there's some people who agree with me there. But I don't really know because I'm not particularly attracted to any person. Sure, I recognize when someone is attractive but I'm never really drawn to anyone. I'm never actually attracted to anyone.
Some of my friends I find beautiful, regardless of gender. But I'm never sexually attracted to anyone. I'm drawn to some people's minds. I want to get to know them but mostly it's the mystery. Because I don't know everything about them and these people that I am drawn to have a tendency to keep details to themselves and there's that challenge of figuring them out without them having to tell me or of manipulating them into telling me.
But even when I find out I'm still fascinated by them. I could watch them silently, contently, for long stretches of time. Just doing whatever it is they do.

I especially love surprising them by knowing things they've never told me. Especially things I shouldn't know. Like getting a friend's mobile number without asking her or knowing where another friend lives without them ever having specifically said.



But even still.... I'm never actually physically attracted to someone. No one has ever "turned me on".
And I know that's not... right? per se. That I should want someone sexually. But I just don't. I want people intellectually or intimately. But never sexually.
Idekwtfti.
Maybe this is why none of my relationships work out. Whatever.