Sharing Is Daring.

SOmetimes my biggest fear isn't sharable because that is what the fear is about. Not that I can't share something but that the burden of knowing my fears or bad memories or nightmares is too much for the person I entrust them to. I know it's ridiculous and I know it's stupid but I can't help it. I don't mind sharing things when people ask questions. I don't mind sharing the facts of my life with people but it's the things that make me press my lips together against my front teeth, it's the things that ball up tight and acidic in the middle of my spine, it's the things that make me feel breathless and empty that I don't like to share.

I don't mind telling people that my mother was a prostitute. I don't mind telling that my father has been hooked on speed and other various drugs my entire life. I don't like sharing my fear of becoming an addict. I don't like sharing what my mother being a prostitute makes me feel deep in the back of my head where sometimes a pressure builds and is painful to even think about. I don't like sharing these things because it means that the person I tell them to now has to hold them up to and they're so heavy and thick that it just seems like too much to ask someone.

I don't think I'll ever get a psychiatrist. Not because I'm uncomfortable with the thought of talking to one but because I don't want them to make my experiences into excuses. Because they're just not. My dysfunction is something I own. My weirdness, my quirks, and eccentricities make up who I am. They are part of me just as much as my experiences are and I don't want someone going: Oh well, you know, she was molested as a child and that's why she's obsessed with sex. Because it's just not fucking good enough to think that. I was molested as a kid. I do have a preoccupation with sex. The two may be linked but that doesn't mean I have an event to blame, an excuse for how I act. I act the way I do because I so choose. The end.

Sure, I could blame my parents, blame my siblings, blame my relatives for how I act but that makes my actions not my own and I just won't fucking hear that. Because my actions are my own and I won't let anyone else have them. If I blame something then it just means that that part of me is no longer mine and that is unacceptable.