My tea is gray.
Like muddy wet cement,
Thursday after chemistry,
Soggy jean ends and heavy packs.
The grass is seeping on the sidewalk,
Faded green and second hand,
Gray encased in green,
Ceramic with little white dots.
January storms with crisp clouds,
Winter cool but not cold,
And I wish for a moment,
Standing,
Sitting,
near a friend I never thought to have.
“I wish it were snowing,”
Chilled crisp air with little white dots,
Sloshy gray snow on the side of the road,
tires turning but car immobile,
Thursday after work.
It’s August but it’s Thursday,
So I can pretend with,
A White Polar bear on my tea mug,
Hot drink and hot air,
Crisp warm Blueberries,
And cicadas in the air.
That
It’s gray outside like my tea,
With little white dots in the air,
And rain on the ground.
My pants are in the dryer,
Because the ends were wet and,
My winter coat is out on the hook,
And not hidden in a coat closet,
That’s somewhere I’ll never look.
It’s something I can always hope,
That my life will return to these,
Little mundane moments with,
Matching details and a circular pattern.
Because they,
More than any huge event in my life,
Have defined who I really am.
So, hot one August night, I,
Close my eyes and pretend it’s,
A Thursday in January and,
I’m somewhere I don’t want to be,
With a friend I’d never thought to have,
Finding my jean ends wet,
And something gray like muddy cement.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I Have Insomnia
And I don’t mean it’s-hard-for-me-to-fall-asleep-sometimes-when-I’m-stressed but full out there-are-days-where-I-just-don’t-sleep-at-all and no matter how exhausted I am I just don’t get sleepy. In the past week I’ve had about fifteen hours of sleep— in seven days.
People are supposed to get about fifty four to sixty hours of sleep. My max a week is usually forty hours. My average is twenty four hours.
That’s three and a half hours of sleep a night on average at twenty four hours of sleep a week.
I know all of this because when I lay awake at night trying to sleep I do this in my head. I keep a close track on the hours of sleep I get a night because every one of them is important.
It’s four fifteen in the morning and I haven’t slept a restful night since the beginning of July.
I’m not saying this for pity or for sympathy. I’m saying this because when I get this tired I can’t stop myself. I honestly would rather not be writing this and I most definitely don’t want to post it but I will anyway because at this level of exhaustion I am compelled to make confessions about the things that I keep to myself.
People are supposed to get about fifty four to sixty hours of sleep. My max a week is usually forty hours. My average is twenty four hours.
That’s three and a half hours of sleep a night on average at twenty four hours of sleep a week.
I know all of this because when I lay awake at night trying to sleep I do this in my head. I keep a close track on the hours of sleep I get a night because every one of them is important.
It’s four fifteen in the morning and I haven’t slept a restful night since the beginning of July.
I’m not saying this for pity or for sympathy. I’m saying this because when I get this tired I can’t stop myself. I honestly would rather not be writing this and I most definitely don’t want to post it but I will anyway because at this level of exhaustion I am compelled to make confessions about the things that I keep to myself.
From a Tumblr Meme
14) A turn on:
Graceful intelligence and a certain self-confidence of spirit usually get me highly interested in someone but all in all I’d say the best way to turn my head is sheer unapologetic nerdiness.
15) An embarrassing story:
I can’t say “converted it”. Seriously, I can’t. Every time I do I stutter and it’s really embarrassing to me. So one day we were doing conversions in Chemistry and I was working on some homework after class on it and hanging out with my friend, Sam. I apparently told her I had difficulty saying “converted it” and she conned me into saying it like forty times in a row because she found it hilarious. I was really embarrassed about it because she kept laughing at me and I had a squish on her. I know she was making me say it because she found it entertaining and adorable but I felt really embarrassed because I couldn’t just say no and stop doing it because it was making her laugh and she was asking and I’m one of those silly fools who will make themselves look like an idiot because of a crush/squish.
20) A fact about my personality:
It’s really hard for me to reach out to people and try to make friends with them. I always worry that I’m coming on too strong or they don’t want to be my friend or that they’re just humoring me until I go away. I really hate it when people do that, though. Like just pretend to be nice cause that’s polite. I really find it much more polite to tell someone to go away when you don’t want to be around them. I hate not knowing if I’m wanted or not because society says it’s rude to share your feelings if they might upset someone.
Graceful intelligence and a certain self-confidence of spirit usually get me highly interested in someone but all in all I’d say the best way to turn my head is sheer unapologetic nerdiness.
15) An embarrassing story:
I can’t say “converted it”. Seriously, I can’t. Every time I do I stutter and it’s really embarrassing to me. So one day we were doing conversions in Chemistry and I was working on some homework after class on it and hanging out with my friend, Sam. I apparently told her I had difficulty saying “converted it” and she conned me into saying it like forty times in a row because she found it hilarious. I was really embarrassed about it because she kept laughing at me and I had a squish on her. I know she was making me say it because she found it entertaining and adorable but I felt really embarrassed because I couldn’t just say no and stop doing it because it was making her laugh and she was asking and I’m one of those silly fools who will make themselves look like an idiot because of a crush/squish.
20) A fact about my personality:
It’s really hard for me to reach out to people and try to make friends with them. I always worry that I’m coming on too strong or they don’t want to be my friend or that they’re just humoring me until I go away. I really hate it when people do that, though. Like just pretend to be nice cause that’s polite. I really find it much more polite to tell someone to go away when you don’t want to be around them. I hate not knowing if I’m wanted or not because society says it’s rude to share your feelings if they might upset someone.
I'm Secretly Jealous of People Who Can Tan
Because I can’t. No, I don’t mean like oh woe is me I don’t have time to lay in the sun or put on fake tan.
I mean that my skin doesn’t really tan at all so I’m always this pasty white all the time. I grew up in California and I was pretty much always the palest kid even though I spent hours out doors every day and never wore sunscreen (I do now because I’m not so reckless and one second degree sun burn on my face is enough for a life time).
The only way you can tell how much sun I’ve been gettings is by how light my hair is. If I’m not outside much or it’s winter then my hair is dirty blond; if it’s summer and I’ve spent every day posible outside then it’s light blond.
I know it’s such a petty little insignificant thing to complain about but really it’s my only real insecurity about myself. I’m not ashamed of my extra weight or my scars or even my broad build but I hate it when people go: Oh you’re so pale! Because I hate being pale all the time.
I don’t want to be like old leather tanned but I’d like a bit of browning in my skin. I think it would be beautiful. I hate complaining about stuff like this because it really doesn’t matter but I really needed to share as well.
I mean that my skin doesn’t really tan at all so I’m always this pasty white all the time. I grew up in California and I was pretty much always the palest kid even though I spent hours out doors every day and never wore sunscreen (I do now because I’m not so reckless and one second degree sun burn on my face is enough for a life time).
The only way you can tell how much sun I’ve been gettings is by how light my hair is. If I’m not outside much or it’s winter then my hair is dirty blond; if it’s summer and I’ve spent every day posible outside then it’s light blond.
I know it’s such a petty little insignificant thing to complain about but really it’s my only real insecurity about myself. I’m not ashamed of my extra weight or my scars or even my broad build but I hate it when people go: Oh you’re so pale! Because I hate being pale all the time.
I don’t want to be like old leather tanned but I’d like a bit of browning in my skin. I think it would be beautiful. I hate complaining about stuff like this because it really doesn’t matter but I really needed to share as well.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 14
14. Tell us about a time you met another asexual, whether in real life or online.
I said Howdy and they said hello and then we had sex. Why the fuck are these questions so ridiculous?
I said Howdy and they said hello and then we had sex. Why the fuck are these questions so ridiculous?
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 13
13. Your favorite asexual website.
Am I going to have to copy/paste number 12?
However, the only site I go on specifically named after and made for asexuals is asexuality.org. I even have an account and buddies there.
Am I going to have to copy/paste number 12?
However, the only site I go on specifically named after and made for asexuals is asexuality.org. I even have an account and buddies there.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 12
12. Your favorite asexual Tumblr site.
I don't have a favorite asexual Tumblr site. Kinda don't sort them into sexual and asexual. But I do have an extreme fondness for my fellow, Tyki, who does have a Tumblr. She posts some weird things but she's pretty awesome. Monte, or Holmesiandeduction, also posts a lot of things I rather adore and he is ace. But what someone's or some Tumblr's sexuality is doesn't really figure in to whether or not I like them. Orientation and gender are inconsequential.
I don't have a favorite asexual Tumblr site. Kinda don't sort them into sexual and asexual. But I do have an extreme fondness for my fellow, Tyki, who does have a Tumblr. She posts some weird things but she's pretty awesome. Monte, or Holmesiandeduction, also posts a lot of things I rather adore and he is ace. But what someone's or some Tumblr's sexuality is doesn't really figure in to whether or not I like them. Orientation and gender are inconsequential.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 11
11. If you’re out, talk about the most accepting person you’ve come out to. If you’re not out, talk about what you would hope a coming out experience would be like.
I think having to "come out" is a bit b.s. I am who I am and whether or not someone accepts it is sort of unneeded. If someone refuses to believe me then that's their problem. It doesn't change who I am. Aside from that my sexuality is just that, mine. Not everyone and their mother's.
I think having to "come out" is a bit b.s. I am who I am and whether or not someone accepts it is sort of unneeded. If someone refuses to believe me then that's their problem. It doesn't change who I am. Aside from that my sexuality is just that, mine. Not everyone and their mother's.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 10
10. What have other people said about your asexuality?
Nothing. What is there to say? I mean I've only recently discovered the term and it's such a little known area of sexuality(or nonsexuality) that very few people know of it.
Nothing. What is there to say? I mean I've only recently discovered the term and it's such a little known area of sexuality(or nonsexuality) that very few people know of it.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 9
OVERVIEW
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.
Relationships
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.
Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.
Attraction
Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.
Arousal
For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.
Note: People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy, but in a minority of cases a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should probably check with a doctor just to be safe.
Identity
Most people on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa. Another small minority will think of themselves as asexual for a brief period of time while exploring and questioning their own sexuality.
There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity- at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.
http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.
Relationships
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.
Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.
Attraction
Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.
Arousal
For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.
Note: People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy, but in a minority of cases a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should probably check with a doctor just to be safe.
Identity
Most people on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa. Another small minority will think of themselves as asexual for a brief period of time while exploring and questioning their own sexuality.
There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity- at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.
http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 7
7. Who’s your favorite Doctor? (Or, do you have a favorite asexual character?)
My favorite Doctor? You might as well ask which of my fingers I could do without.
I have a special sentiment for the 9th, whom I love because he was my first Doctor and will always be My Doctor.
I love the 10th because he was something extraordinary and because I could relate to the loneliness that was characterized throughout his erra.
But the 11th Doctor is so ecstatically me. He is the personification of what makes my generation magnificent and I love that. He isn't anything at all like any of the other Doctors while being precisely who they were. I love him because he is me in a way.
However, my favorite asexual character would probably have to be Sherlock Holmes.
First of all it's because of him that I even looked up what asexual meant in the first place. I have to play favorites with the character who helped me find out that I wasn't some broken freaky thing. Aside from that I feel I can relate to him. If, by some weird alien magic, Holmes and the 11th Doctor were to be mixed together into one character then that character might as well be me. The 11th Doctor my immature and full of shenanigans self and Sherlock Holmes the serious and observant scholar that I am. (I feel unendingly pretentious just saying that but oh well).
They are two of very few characters that I can relate to the most.
My favorite Doctor? You might as well ask which of my fingers I could do without.
I have a special sentiment for the 9th, whom I love because he was my first Doctor and will always be My Doctor.
I love the 10th because he was something extraordinary and because I could relate to the loneliness that was characterized throughout his erra.
But the 11th Doctor is so ecstatically me. He is the personification of what makes my generation magnificent and I love that. He isn't anything at all like any of the other Doctors while being precisely who they were. I love him because he is me in a way.
However, my favorite asexual character would probably have to be Sherlock Holmes.
First of all it's because of him that I even looked up what asexual meant in the first place. I have to play favorites with the character who helped me find out that I wasn't some broken freaky thing. Aside from that I feel I can relate to him. If, by some weird alien magic, Holmes and the 11th Doctor were to be mixed together into one character then that character might as well be me. The 11th Doctor my immature and full of shenanigans self and Sherlock Holmes the serious and observant scholar that I am. (I feel unendingly pretentious just saying that but oh well).
They are two of very few characters that I can relate to the most.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 8
8. Do you believe there should be asexual pride? What do you imagine it being like?
I think everyone should have pride in who they are no matter what they are. I don't think that I should put one aspect of myself on a pedestal to be praised and used as the focal point of who I am, though. My asexuality doesn't make me and I am not defined by my sexuality.
I think everyone should have pride in who they are no matter what they are. I don't think that I should put one aspect of myself on a pedestal to be praised and used as the focal point of who I am, though. My asexuality doesn't make me and I am not defined by my sexuality.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 6
6. Have you faced oppression because of your asexuality, whether institutional or societal?
What? No, not personally. I'm not happy with how the LGBT* is treating aces or how a lot of people seem to be hating on us even though it really doesn't affect them and it isn't exactly a crime. But I have never personally been "oppressed" because of my sexuality or lack thereof.
What? No, not personally. I'm not happy with how the LGBT* is treating aces or how a lot of people seem to be hating on us even though it really doesn't affect them and it isn't exactly a crime. But I have never personally been "oppressed" because of my sexuality or lack thereof.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 5
5. Tell the story of the first person you came out to.
Coming out requires being in. The only person that ever needed being told about me being asexual was me.
However, when I was seventeen or so I told my mum I had a crush on a girl. She didn't care about the gender, she just wanted me to dish about it. I think she liked having a "queer" daughter. I've never told my dad, though. That's more for my safety than anything else. He once told me he thought all queers should be round up and shot. After a statement like that it's no wonder I didn't go ahead and blurt out that I was one of those people he thinks should be dead.
Coming out requires being in. The only person that ever needed being told about me being asexual was me.
However, when I was seventeen or so I told my mum I had a crush on a girl. She didn't care about the gender, she just wanted me to dish about it. I think she liked having a "queer" daughter. I've never told my dad, though. That's more for my safety than anything else. He once told me he thought all queers should be round up and shot. After a statement like that it's no wonder I didn't go ahead and blurt out that I was one of those people he thinks should be dead.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 4
4. Do you identify as a part of the queer community? What communities do you identify with?
To be honest I don't identify with pretty much any community of anything. I am myself and I have friends like me and friends who aren't like me. The point is, at least to me, no to surround myself with those who are the same as me but with those who can enrich my life for the better.
To be honest I don't identify with pretty much any community of anything. I am myself and I have friends like me and friends who aren't like me. The point is, at least to me, no to surround myself with those who are the same as me but with those who can enrich my life for the better.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 3
3. How old were you when you realized you were asexual? What made you realize it?
This many.
I've always known on some level but I was in denial for a very long time. I just assumed that I was some weird-o freak and that none of my relationships would ever work out because we'd always be wanting different things. To be honest I just thought that my childhood broke something in me and that it was never going to be fixed.
But the first time I ever had a word for what I was was not very long ago. Sometime this year, I know. This summer. You could probably guess about the time I found out from my blog since I did post a thing about it when I did find out. So there give or take a few days.
For a while I thought that I couldn't possibly be ace because I didn't fit every singe criteria on the info page but it felt so right and perfect that I just sort of knew that that's what I was. I don't think I have language enough to describe the relief I felt at finally being able to put a word to what I was and know that there were others out there like me.
This many.
I've always known on some level but I was in denial for a very long time. I just assumed that I was some weird-o freak and that none of my relationships would ever work out because we'd always be wanting different things. To be honest I just thought that my childhood broke something in me and that it was never going to be fixed.
But the first time I ever had a word for what I was was not very long ago. Sometime this year, I know. This summer. You could probably guess about the time I found out from my blog since I did post a thing about it when I did find out. So there give or take a few days.
For a while I thought that I couldn't possibly be ace because I didn't fit every singe criteria on the info page but it felt so right and perfect that I just sort of knew that that's what I was. I don't think I have language enough to describe the relief I felt at finally being able to put a word to what I was and know that there were others out there like me.
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 2
2. Are you out? To whom?
I don't like the phrase "out". It implies that every sexuality that isn't straight is at some point in one's life shameful and I am not ashamed or embarrassed to be who I am. On that same note, however, I'm not going to go around shouting HEY GUESS WHAT PEOPLE?! I'M ASEXUAL! I don't see the point in it. If someone asks I'll tell them. If they don't ask I see no reason to tell them. I obviously am not doing anything to hide the fact that I'm ace (exhibit a: this blog) but that doesn't mean I'm going to go around putting it on business cards or anything. It's just one part of who I am. It's not even all that important. It doesn't dictate how I interact with others or how others treat me so it doesn't really matter much.
I don't like the phrase "out". It implies that every sexuality that isn't straight is at some point in one's life shameful and I am not ashamed or embarrassed to be who I am. On that same note, however, I'm not going to go around shouting HEY GUESS WHAT PEOPLE?! I'M ASEXUAL! I don't see the point in it. If someone asks I'll tell them. If they don't ask I see no reason to tell them. I obviously am not doing anything to hide the fact that I'm ace (exhibit a: this blog) but that doesn't mean I'm going to go around putting it on business cards or anything. It's just one part of who I am. It's not even all that important. It doesn't dictate how I interact with others or how others treat me so it doesn't really matter much.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
30 Day Ace Meme- Day 1
1. What is your romantic/sexual orientation?
Panromantic asexual is what I go by.
But in the way I think of it gender doesn't matter at all. It's not what someone is that interests me but who someone is. I am far more interested in people's minds than their bodies and that's why I consider myself an equal opportunity employer. As far as sex I'm one of those aces who is largely indifferent to sex. If someone I love wants it and I've got time and don't want to do anything else then sure but otherwise I'm entirely uninterested in it.
Panromantic asexual is what I go by.
But in the way I think of it gender doesn't matter at all. It's not what someone is that interests me but who someone is. I am far more interested in people's minds than their bodies and that's why I consider myself an equal opportunity employer. As far as sex I'm one of those aces who is largely indifferent to sex. If someone I love wants it and I've got time and don't want to do anything else then sure but otherwise I'm entirely uninterested in it.
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