I

I hate my family. And I don't mean the idle "hate" that teens have for their parents because "they don't understand" or "they're so uncool." It's the sort of hatred one has for people who have wronged them. I hate sounding petty or whiny but they destroyed whatever good I had in me. I love them, I do. Really. They are my blood, I have to love them. But... I hate them. I hate what they did to me, either actively or passively. They've hurt me. So much. All of them except one and that one doesn't count because he wasn't there for the entirety of my life.

But it always hurts to realize that they really don't regard me on equal grounds with the rest of them. It hurts when they blame me for things that I didn't do or cannot control. I don't want to be the bigger man, as it's put. I really don't. I just want to leave them all behind. Delete them from my contacts list, de-friend them on facebook and forget their faces. I want to stop having nightmares about the things that happened to me and to stop feeling so afraid and angry because of how they hurt me. Mostly I want to be free to just feel. To really feel and not hold back or keep things back or repress things. I want to be free. Really, that's all I want. I don't want to forget or for it to have never have happened but I want to be able to feel freely.

I want to be able to feel happy without having to pretend. I want to feel angry without it bringing up my anger at what went down when I was younger. I want to feel grief. To really, truly, feel the kind of grief that everyone else does. I don't want my automatic response to every emotion to be repress, forget. I don't want to have to make a conscious effort to feel, actually feel. Because reacting I've got down pat but actually feeling I don't.

I hate feeling like a monster because I don't feel the way I should. I walk around each day and I'm so full of nothing. It's heavy and it takes so much effort to do anything. Every interaction involves so much thinking and acting and it is just so damn tiring.